What a session! Even if I say it myself, it went really well. And I think I know why.
I ran a half day workshop at the 2009 Mind and its potential event in Sydney. After 3 days of neuroscience, neuroplasticity, meditation, the latest in brain and mind theory and philosophy, a morning with His Holiness the Dalai Lama and networking with 3000 people - everyone had a lot on their minds.

I introduced the Whole Brain Model as an Organising Principle for what people had learnt during the 4 days. It worked so well. It gave everyone a framework to review what they had learnt, had heard and had enjoyed.

It also highlighted to impact that thinking preferences can have on what we do and do not pay attention to. Almost without exception people paid attention to and remembered those things from their preferred quadrants. The things they missed or never even bothered about where always from those least preferred quadrant.
Big learning about what we actually didn’t learn.

I am going to do more on Whole Brain Knowing…..

Excerpts from Chapter 2 of Why Don’t You Undertand?
Improve Family Communication with the 4 Thinking Styles

by Susie Leonard Weller (509) 255-6676 or visit www.susieweller.com

Rachel: I bought a pair of cute Nike tennis shoes for the baby today.
Leon: What? We agreed to stick to our budget. And, the baby doesn’t need them.
Rachel: But they were on sale. I want our baby to look good.
Leon: He’s not even old enough to walk in them.
Rachel: I don’t care. I didn’t have much growing up and I want our baby to have the best.
Leon: You always break our agreements.
Rachel: You never listen to what’s important to me.

Within seconds, these new parents are caught in a downward spiral. Neither is hearing the other’s need. Whatever happened to living happily ever after?

When Rachel and Leon were dating, she enjoyed how mature and responsible he was. Leon had clear financial goals with a strong commitment to follow through on them. Leon appreciated Rachel’s ability to bring out his softer side. They enjoyed exploring their feelings and dreams about the future.

There’s a reason Rachel and Leon married. Opposites attract. Now, the very things that used to be so appealing are sources of irritation and arguments.

Relational Rachel is a spender. She makes decisions based on her feelings. Logical Leon is a saver who bases decisions on his goals. Remember what your learned in Chapter One about diagonal opposites? The brain requires 100% more energy to think in its diagonally opposite style. It’s no surprise Rachel and Leon are struggling to communicate with each other. Not only are these continual arguments ruining their relationship, they’re also affecting their baby.

Brain Discovery:
Babies have “mirror neurons” in their brains literally wire them to connect with others–both in positive and negative ways.
(Source: Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D. New York: Bantam Dell, 2006, page 59)

Even babies pick up on the moods of their parents. They’ll act fussy when they sense tension. Healthy relationships act like vitamins that strengthen our immune system. Unhealthy relationships are like toxins that make us more vulnerable to stress and drain our energy.

Having a baby changes everything in a relationship. John Gottman’s research on Bringing Baby Home states that 40-70% of couples experience stress and profound conflict when they become parents. Although this is an exciting transition in their lives, it can also lead to a significant drop in marital satisfaction and escalate previous relationship problems. Half of all divorces happen by the seventh year of marriage.

So what’s the solution? How can separation and divorce be prevented?

1. Identify your own and your partner’s preferred thinking style
Thinking style preferences, like temperament traits, are inborn and not easily modified. Not accepting someone for who they are can become “irreconcilable differences” leading to separation or divorce. Partners who share a similar thinking style enjoy more harmony in the beginning of their relationship. Opposites are more prone to conflicts. However, when differences are respected, they become a more balanced couple. Contrasting styles complement each other; whereas similar styles reinforce only one perspective.

2. Avoid pushing each other into positions that fuel on-going arguments
Family members who have diagonally opposite thinking styles can get stuck fighting like cats and dogs. Accept they’re both beloved pets. Neither one is better than the other. Each thinking style has unique strengths and weaknesses that influence the relationship.

3. Listen to the need(s) underlying the behavior
Each thinking style emphasizes specific needs or wants. Review the following chart and find ways to let your partner know you’ve heard their need and will to respect it.

4. Speak in another’s preferred thinking style, rather than more loudly in your own
When Logicals only focus on the facts and minimize the emotions surrounding them, Relationals feel discounted. The more agitated they become, the more Logicals try to balance the situation by emphasizing a rational response—which only makes things worse. Likewise, Creatives and Practicals antagonize each other by refusing to accept each other’s desire to explore options and make timely decisions. Focusing on either/or perspectives escalates the problem. Become better attuned to your family members by adjusting your preferred style and speaking their language.

5. Use non-blaming statements to clearly ask for what you want
One of the biggest causes of family distress is parents who continually complain and criticize each other. In Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman writes there are perpetual and solvable problems. 69% of conflicts are not solvable. They’re innate preferences, like thinking styles, and won’t calmly change. Rather than stay in emotional gridlock, focus on the 31% that can be solved.

6. Express appreciation for one another
Happy couples focus on solving problems and meeting each other’s needs. They treat each other like friends who respect each other’s differences. They make regular deposits into the other’s emotional bank account by expressing appreciation.

The purpose of this book is to help parents not only recognize, but also to appreciate their own thinking style—as well as those of their significant other and their children. How we think shapes the way we relate, parent and make decisions. Recognizing thinking styles is not another gimmick to manipulate your partner to do what you want. It’s a tool and a framework for better communication, getting along easier and having more fun as a family.

Let’s apply what we’ve learned about thinking styles to the opening dialogue:

1. What are the clues that help identify each parent’s thinking style?
• Rachel makes decisions based on her feelings (Relational)
• Leon focuses on the bottom line of sticking to the budget (Logical)

2. Which words indicate the conversation is heating up and might polarize each position?
• You “always” break our agreements
• You “never” listen to what’s important to me

3. What are the need(s) underlying their behavior? (Review the previous chart)
• Logicals emphasize trust and respect (keeps an agreement)
• Relationals emphasize empathy and support (seeks to have feelings understood)

4. How could each partner speak more clearly in the other’s thinking style?
• Rachel to Leon: “How much discretionary money can I spend and still stay within our budget?” (She seeks clarification of the Logical’s bottom line of maintaining the budget)
• Leon to Rachel: “It must have been hard growing up without having much. I can see why you want our baby to have more than you did.” (He expresses empathy for the Relational’s feelings.)

5. How could each express what they want in a non-blaming way?
• Rachel: “I’d like your support (Relational need) to have $25 a week to spend on extras of my choosing.”
• Leon: “I’d like you to respect (Logical need) our budget and not buy anything extra unless there’s a joint agreement.

6. What are ways couples can express appreciation?
• “Thanks for working this out with me.”
• “I’m glad we’re finding ways to meet each other’s needs.”

I now understand the difference between my brain and my mind. It is thanks to Daniel Siegel, MD, author of the wonderful book called “Mindsight, change your brain and your life”.

Daniel ran a one day workshop as part of the “Mind and its Potential’ event in Sydney this week.

He talked about the developing brain, the triune brain, left and right, the cerebral hemispheres and how they should all work together. A fully ‘integrated’ mind is a healthy mind. He went on to talk about how education could teach the critical skill of ‘reflection’. I left knowing how I can really ‘change my mind’.

I am also thinking of giving myself a new title on my business card – a Synaptic Sculpturer. How does that sound!

His book - Mindsight - published by Scribe Publications, Australia.