Why not use the Whole Brain® model to avoid collisions.

Susie Weller, author of the book ‘Why Don’t You Understand? Improve Family Communication with the 4 Thinking Styles’ (2009, Parenting Press), has a powerful Whole Brain® framework for helping couples think about priorities and how to handle potential conflicts.
She talks about the Head, Hands, Heart and Hopes - and ties it nicely into Whole Brain® thinking.

Catch the webinar, When world’s collide, and find out more.

The Whole Brain Model provides a wonderful framework to understand your worlds.
The A quadrant represents your Professional world.
The B quadrant represents the practicalities.
The C quadrant your passions.
The D quadrant your possibilities.

Completing a ‘Thinkabout’ and looking at how everything connects can be a great way of thinking your way out of a potential collision.

Susie will be talking about this more during our up coming webinar - When World’s Collide, March 23 at 12 noon, Sydney time.

Your prefrontal cortex is the most likely place where world’s collide.
It is this part of your brain that is involved in making decisions, problem solving, goal setting and controlling emotions. It is also a part of the brain that can actually only do a couple of things at any one time, and takes a lot of energy to do them. It works exceptionally well when in good shape, and does not do so well when you are tired and low on energy.

When work and home collide with all the conflicting priorities, sometimes it just cannot cope.

One way to help your prefrontal cortex deal with this is to separate your worlds. Before you leave work, spend a few minutes reviewing your day and plan for the next. Jot down your priorities and plan the day. Then forget about it. Use the journey home to relax, reflect and bring home into your prefrontal cortex.

When you arrive home, you will be mentally recharged and focussing on all the right things.

I have worked on the dining room table, in a spare bedroom, half a block away, a 40 minute train trip and a 30 minute drive away.

All have their pros and cons – but I did like the 30 minute drive home. ( I liked the 40 minutes but not the train!)

So much is being written these days about the importance of ‘Reflection’ as a way to integrate your mind and keep it healthy and balanced. The 30 minute trip home allowed me to do that. It also gave me time to adjust my mind, re-focus and alter my priorities.

By the time I got home and walk in the door, I really could say, “Hi everyone, I’m home.” I was home both mentally and physically.

I was working with a guy last week from the finance industry. His HBDI profile was a 1122.
When he saw it, his first reaction was to say, “But I’m different at home.”

I asked him what he meant. He explained that, yes, at work he was very logical and financially minded. Hs job demanded him to be. But he said he was very different at home. He went onto explain how he read his kids stories at night and always played with them. He thought that this immediate meant he should have a higher score in the C quadrant.

When asked, he did say that he liked reading stories about trains and things. He always read them at the same time each night. And when he played with them, it was always with the trucks and roadways - and in his way. He liked building things for them.

After a while he realised that reading and playing with kids could be done from many quadrant. You just do it differently.

The HBDI collects clues from work, home, hobbies and other places. It really does give you a measure of your preferences, across the entire range of your world.

And any quadrant can be a loving parent. They just do it in different ways.

” I don’t do green!”.

I was in a workshop when one of the participants said this. Their HBDI profile was a 2311. They had a very strong preference in the Yellow Quadrant. This was in stark contrast to an avoidance in the green.

They went on to explain how, for them, their avoidance was so strong that they simply did not do ‘green stuff’ - planning, being organised, prioritising things and generally managing things around the house.

I am not sure how they got on at home but I know I would be in big trouble if I said that. And I am 155 in the Yellow Quadrant.

The important thing to remember about the Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument (HBDI) is that it measures your Thinking Preference, not your competence or ability.

This means that we might not be turned on by it, but we can still do it.

Moving between work and home requires a lot of mental flexibility. It also requires a lot of cooperation and sharing. Hiding behind your HBDI profile and saying “I don’t do that!” is not going to achieve anything.

Using the Whole Brian Model as a way of understanding the thinking required both at home and work is a powerful tool and can help many a house hold avoid colliding.

If you’re like most of us, your brain is full right now. Everyone I talk to says they’re trying to do more with less while getting more productive and more innovative at the same time. We know we have to do it, but are we using our thinking to our advantage, or is it actually standing in the way of where we want to go? Over the next several posts, I’ll address some of the ways you can take control in tough times with better thinking.

Tip 1: Get Out of Your Own Way!: Watch for the dangers of your own experience. The Curse of Knowledge (Make it Stick, by Chip Heath and Dan Heath) will cloud your thinking, trapping you in past patterns and keeping you from seeing new ideas and fresh opportunities.

How can you get out of your own way?

Disarm your brain by looking for situations that are novel and outside of your experience, talking to others who have different backgrounds.
Watch how your personal style filters can get in your way.
Define and reverse your “truths” (from “our customers will scream if we change that” to “our customers will love it if we change that”).
Use metaphors to shift your mindset. Ask yourself, “how is this situation like…” and see where the possibilities can take you.
Remove self-imposed limits, even just for a moment, to discover what new options might be out there.
Try these exercises in your next brainstorming meeting or the next time you revert back to your default responses. You might find that your thinking styles and preferences are filtering out the very ideas you need right now.

How can you grow your business without growing your business?

We have decided that the best way is to form ‘partnerships’. These are business relationships based on the 1+1=3 concept.
Is there something we can do together that we cannot do on our own? What can we achieve by combining our efforts and talents.

We just ran a 2 day workshop on ‘Partnerships’. With between 15 and 20 people attending, we looked at all the issues involved in forming a successful partnership. There were some great outcomes.

The overriding sentiment was that success in a partnership was based on two key factors - a shared Purpose and aligned Values. If you have those, don’t proceed.

Watch out during 2010 for Herrmann International to form some exciting new partnerships.

What a session! Even if I say it myself, it went really well. And I think I know why.
I ran a half day workshop at the 2009 Mind and its potential event in Sydney. After 3 days of neuroscience, neuroplasticity, meditation, the latest in brain and mind theory and philosophy, a morning with His Holiness the Dalai Lama and networking with 3000 people - everyone had a lot on their minds.

I introduced the Whole Brain Model as an Organising Principle for what people had learnt during the 4 days. It worked so well. It gave everyone a framework to review what they had learnt, had heard and had enjoyed.

It also highlighted to impact that thinking preferences can have on what we do and do not pay attention to. Almost without exception people paid attention to and remembered those things from their preferred quadrants. The things they missed or never even bothered about where always from those least preferred quadrant.
Big learning about what we actually didn’t learn.

I am going to do more on Whole Brain Knowing…..

Excerpts from Chapter 2 of Why Don’t You Undertand?
Improve Family Communication with the 4 Thinking Styles

by Susie Leonard Weller (509) 255-6676 or visit www.susieweller.com

Rachel: I bought a pair of cute Nike tennis shoes for the baby today.
Leon: What? We agreed to stick to our budget. And, the baby doesn’t need them.
Rachel: But they were on sale. I want our baby to look good.
Leon: He’s not even old enough to walk in them.
Rachel: I don’t care. I didn’t have much growing up and I want our baby to have the best.
Leon: You always break our agreements.
Rachel: You never listen to what’s important to me.

Within seconds, these new parents are caught in a downward spiral. Neither is hearing the other’s need. Whatever happened to living happily ever after?

When Rachel and Leon were dating, she enjoyed how mature and responsible he was. Leon had clear financial goals with a strong commitment to follow through on them. Leon appreciated Rachel’s ability to bring out his softer side. They enjoyed exploring their feelings and dreams about the future.

There’s a reason Rachel and Leon married. Opposites attract. Now, the very things that used to be so appealing are sources of irritation and arguments.

Relational Rachel is a spender. She makes decisions based on her feelings. Logical Leon is a saver who bases decisions on his goals. Remember what your learned in Chapter One about diagonal opposites? The brain requires 100% more energy to think in its diagonally opposite style. It’s no surprise Rachel and Leon are struggling to communicate with each other. Not only are these continual arguments ruining their relationship, they’re also affecting their baby.

Brain Discovery:
Babies have “mirror neurons” in their brains literally wire them to connect with others–both in positive and negative ways.
(Source: Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D. New York: Bantam Dell, 2006, page 59)

Even babies pick up on the moods of their parents. They’ll act fussy when they sense tension. Healthy relationships act like vitamins that strengthen our immune system. Unhealthy relationships are like toxins that make us more vulnerable to stress and drain our energy.

Having a baby changes everything in a relationship. John Gottman’s research on Bringing Baby Home states that 40-70% of couples experience stress and profound conflict when they become parents. Although this is an exciting transition in their lives, it can also lead to a significant drop in marital satisfaction and escalate previous relationship problems. Half of all divorces happen by the seventh year of marriage.

So what’s the solution? How can separation and divorce be prevented?

1. Identify your own and your partner’s preferred thinking style
Thinking style preferences, like temperament traits, are inborn and not easily modified. Not accepting someone for who they are can become “irreconcilable differences” leading to separation or divorce. Partners who share a similar thinking style enjoy more harmony in the beginning of their relationship. Opposites are more prone to conflicts. However, when differences are respected, they become a more balanced couple. Contrasting styles complement each other; whereas similar styles reinforce only one perspective.

2. Avoid pushing each other into positions that fuel on-going arguments
Family members who have diagonally opposite thinking styles can get stuck fighting like cats and dogs. Accept they’re both beloved pets. Neither one is better than the other. Each thinking style has unique strengths and weaknesses that influence the relationship.

3. Listen to the need(s) underlying the behavior
Each thinking style emphasizes specific needs or wants. Review the following chart and find ways to let your partner know you’ve heard their need and will to respect it.

4. Speak in another’s preferred thinking style, rather than more loudly in your own
When Logicals only focus on the facts and minimize the emotions surrounding them, Relationals feel discounted. The more agitated they become, the more Logicals try to balance the situation by emphasizing a rational response—which only makes things worse. Likewise, Creatives and Practicals antagonize each other by refusing to accept each other’s desire to explore options and make timely decisions. Focusing on either/or perspectives escalates the problem. Become better attuned to your family members by adjusting your preferred style and speaking their language.

5. Use non-blaming statements to clearly ask for what you want
One of the biggest causes of family distress is parents who continually complain and criticize each other. In Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman writes there are perpetual and solvable problems. 69% of conflicts are not solvable. They’re innate preferences, like thinking styles, and won’t calmly change. Rather than stay in emotional gridlock, focus on the 31% that can be solved.

6. Express appreciation for one another
Happy couples focus on solving problems and meeting each other’s needs. They treat each other like friends who respect each other’s differences. They make regular deposits into the other’s emotional bank account by expressing appreciation.

The purpose of this book is to help parents not only recognize, but also to appreciate their own thinking style—as well as those of their significant other and their children. How we think shapes the way we relate, parent and make decisions. Recognizing thinking styles is not another gimmick to manipulate your partner to do what you want. It’s a tool and a framework for better communication, getting along easier and having more fun as a family.

Let’s apply what we’ve learned about thinking styles to the opening dialogue:

1. What are the clues that help identify each parent’s thinking style?
• Rachel makes decisions based on her feelings (Relational)
• Leon focuses on the bottom line of sticking to the budget (Logical)

2. Which words indicate the conversation is heating up and might polarize each position?
• You “always” break our agreements
• You “never” listen to what’s important to me

3. What are the need(s) underlying their behavior? (Review the previous chart)
• Logicals emphasize trust and respect (keeps an agreement)
• Relationals emphasize empathy and support (seeks to have feelings understood)

4. How could each partner speak more clearly in the other’s thinking style?
• Rachel to Leon: “How much discretionary money can I spend and still stay within our budget?” (She seeks clarification of the Logical’s bottom line of maintaining the budget)
• Leon to Rachel: “It must have been hard growing up without having much. I can see why you want our baby to have more than you did.” (He expresses empathy for the Relational’s feelings.)

5. How could each express what they want in a non-blaming way?
• Rachel: “I’d like your support (Relational need) to have $25 a week to spend on extras of my choosing.”
• Leon: “I’d like you to respect (Logical need) our budget and not buy anything extra unless there’s a joint agreement.

6. What are ways couples can express appreciation?
• “Thanks for working this out with me.”
• “I’m glad we’re finding ways to meet each other’s needs.”